The Hitler Interview

OK. It's a wet and foggy Thursday morning, and we're out on search for the Holy Grail, er no sorry wrong magazine... we are in fact searching out one of Mussolini`s old compadrés, yes you guessed it we're after that infamous seadog Adolf Hitler. We found him in a pom shop just round the corner from the bus station (the mayor told us he would be in there, honest), and this is what was said.

Interviewer: So Adolf, were you looking for anything in particular ?

Adolf Hitler: I was looking for some kind of pump to er.. unblock my drains. Anyway who the fuck are you ?

Int: Er well yes, I'm from a local rag called misbehave and my name's Alice. We just wanted to ask you a few questions, seeings as you are so popular at the moment an' all. You don't mind do you? You can spare the time surely ? So how are you getting on in your old age, lots of people thought you had chickened out and topped yourself?

A.H.: I'm personal advisor to Andy Carmichael of the NF at present but I'm thinking of quitting a) because he's a smarmy cunt & b) because he wants to cut off all trade from Austria and Germany, and that's a stupid wanky decision which is neither big nor clever (unlike murdering six million Jews -ED)

Int: So you're still in with the politics then ? And don't try to avoid my questions asshole, I said some people thought you'd shot yourself to avoid the inevitable Judgement Day, what happened - you're still looking rather young, you been using a lot of oil of ulay or have you been (god forbid -ED) reincarnated ?

A.H.: Weill was rather cumning you see, Me and Elvis hid out in a barn with 40 litres of liquid LSD, we then left there on a pulsating train hurtling towards the planet Sponge VII, but he annoyed me shitiess so I sill his neck... and now I'm here... in Wolve r-fucki ng -ham pton.

Int: So Addy, have you been to the cinema lately - the technology has come a long way since your day ?

A.H.: I saw the Lion King... Absolutely Brilliant... I nearly cried when John Travolta shot that bloke In the head. that bit touched me...

Int: Err right of course, Pulp Fiction was an exceptional film.. I can understand why you got It mixed up with the Lion King, but moving on what are your future ambitions ?

A.H.: I've just bought a small antique shop in Wombourne, and once I'vew got that off the ground, and got some capital behind me I want to head the National Socialist Party in Wolverhampton and bring back the Ayran Race and all that stuff... I also wanted to complete my collection of Royal Doulton toby jugs.

Int: How come you've still got that shit moustache ?

A.H.: Pardon?

Int: I said 'How come you've still got that lhit moustache ?'

A.H.: I happen to be very attatched to this moustache, it helps people recognise me, I mean where would Te/ly Savalas be with afU/I head of hair, It's sort of a trademark, anyway Alice how come you 've got that shlt goatle ?

Int: Right then: There's no good reason to keep that moustache, why the fuck would you want people to recognise you when they're likely to brain you?, Telly Savalas would probably be exactly where he is now nowhere, if you think its such a trademark why don't you register it and copyright it?, I've got a shit goatie because I've lost my razor and can't afford a new one, I'm asking the questions, and you're a fat bastard.