An Interview with a Vampire

After spending many, many nights in small out-of-the-way Bavarian hotels and having no luck what so ever, our all-enduring misbehave crew flew over to Poland and tried their luck And of course in no time at all (but on rather a large expenses budget..) their prey manifested itself.. Yes you guessed it some pillock in a long black cape tried to bite the fuck out of their necks. And now we proudly present AN INTER. VIEW WITH A VAMPIRE.

Interviewer: I know all this vampire shit is in high demand at the moment, but how are you going to make it work for you - you're not exactly Tom Cruise are you?

Vampire: Hey shitbag, fuck you! You do realise that just by being here I'm giving you the only chance you'll ever get to speak to an immortal. Let me tell you a secret - all this human 'God, Heaven, Hell' and the rest of it is utta" shite - none of it exists. And as for Tom Cruise, well he might look pretty but he tastes like shite.

Int: That s not what your wife says!

Vamps: Which one?

Int: Okay. enough bickering. You've been around a while I s'pose, so what's your favourite blood group then? You must have been through the majority. eh?

Vamps: Well I suppose I might have tasted some &om each of your 'blood groups', but I'm not much of a sciencey vampire - I much prefer the arts, and anyway it doesn't work like that. Normally I go for sad old rich blokes because their blood's been around a while too - a kind of vintage perhaps, and of course being rich generally means lots of lovely cholesterol, a real treat for vampires like myself. I really don't understand this fitness shit with no cholesterol at all - it's a harsh blow.

Int: Being a Black Country lad when I go out for a meal I like to enjoy black pudding with plenty if garlic. Now I can see that black pud's sort of sound but why no garlic?

Vamps: Oh fuck me! You humans and garlic! Listen, it's all a pile of shite. Garlic can't touch me, a stake througlt the heart can't touch me, silver bullets can't toudt me, I AM FUCKING IMMORTAL! alright?

Int: Yeah alright. What are your opinions on the 'Hammer' classics, and more to the point how do you rate Christopher Lee as a 'Vampire'?

Vamps: Well, they were alright as light entertainment, but like I said, a lot of the myth stuff they used is just bollocks. And as for Christopher Lee he was okay - me and a couple of mates have often joked about making him a real vampire, and see how he likes it.

Int: The question on everyone's lips is where do you live, and how do you stop other people knowing you are a child of satan?

Vamps: Ha Ha Ha, where do I live ? I live in the night, I live everywhere. I rest wherever I choose, and I've chosen some pretty strange places, believe you-me. And with regard to people discovering my disposition, most people can't tell I'm anything but 'normal'. If somehow they could tell there isn't much they could do about it, is there? After all I am immortal, and who would believe vampires really existed in this day and age?

Int: You've probably killed a lot of people in your time, and so have I, but most people haven't and they more than likely wonder what it feels like, and has the novelty worn off?

Vamps: Fortmately for me there never was any novelty so it hasn't worn off yet. You see it's either do or (almost) die. And it feels great. It's like having sex with the six most beautiful women on the planet all at once. Right, I'm off to have a feast with some of my female friends.