Four Horsemen caught in porcupine sex scandal

As our intrepid reporter scours deepest Gornal for a decent interview, who should he bump into but the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse....

Interviewer: So lads, you don t mind me calling you that do you?

War: Yes, actually. If you don't address us as Sir/Sirs we will be obliged to kick the crap out of you, it's in our contract see.

Int: Thank you Sir. So how did you get into this game? Pestilence: Well, we were drop kicks at college, and we'd tried to start a rock band, but that was a waste of fucking time - we're talentless, see.

Famine: Yeah, well one day my mum got on to me, said I should get a job, so I called up these three and we went down the job centre.

Pestilence: just our bloody luck, arc angel Gabriel's on the desk. He asked for our CV's (and we hadn't got any) so we just made shit up.

War: Yeah. I said I'd got 3 masters degrees, a doctorate, and a HND in Home-Ec.

Int: What did you really have?

War: Fuck all.

Int: As the Horsemen of the Apocalypse, how do you justify your involvement in all the major worldwide problems of the last 4000 years.

Disease: Booze and Drugs.

Int: Pardon?

Pestilence: Lets take a "for instance". One night we were out on the pisser and war did his usual trick and got totally bugger-brained. Before we knew it, he'd gone round to Hitler's place and talked him into starting a ruck with the Jews down the road, faster man you can say "Nazi fascist bastard", war and Adolf had phoned round and roped in Georring, Himler, and Sid, the nutter from round the comer and there you have it WWll.

War: I'm not the only one to blame, what about disease and his crack?

Int: What happened there?

Disease: In the twenties I was bored and I started experimenting with cocaine. One night I got well out of it and when I woke up 3 days later I'd invented AIDS and facilitated it's spread throughout the globe. It was an accident really. I didn't realise people were that sex-mad.

Int: What about you famine, what have you got say about Ethiopia?

Famine: Ethiopia? Is that still there? Fuck. I thought I'd gotten rid of them years ago - even war pitched in on that effort. That's the trouble these days. You try an wipe out a country and some bastard like that Geldofbloke comes along and starts intervening. I wish they'd just fuck off an leave people to die.

Int: And finally to you Pestilence. I must say your life isn't exactly replete with great works.

Pestilence: Right! That's it! You can expect a large plague of locusts in your underpants by Wednesday-week. I won't be spoken to like that!

Unfortunately, the four horsemen had to depart at this point. Prior appointments beckoned. Bosnia, Romania, Somalia, and where was disease going? Oh yes that's it - the whole world.
This is Rover signing off.
Off.

An Interview with a Vampire

After spending many, many nights in small out-of-the-way Bavarian hotels and having no luck what so ever, our all-enduring misbehave crew flew over to Poland and tried their luck And of course in no time at all (but on rather a large expenses budget..) their prey manifested itself.. Yes you guessed it some pillock in a long black cape tried to bite the fuck out of their necks. And now we proudly present AN INTER. VIEW WITH A VAMPIRE.

Interviewer: I know all this vampire shit is in high demand at the moment, but how are you going to make it work for you - you're not exactly Tom Cruise are you?

Vampire: Hey shitbag, fuck you! You do realise that just by being here I'm giving you the only chance you'll ever get to speak to an immortal. Let me tell you a secret - all this human 'God, Heaven, Hell' and the rest of it is utta" shite - none of it exists. And as for Tom Cruise, well he might look pretty but he tastes like shite.

Int: That s not what your wife says!

Vamps: Which one?

Int: Okay. enough bickering. You've been around a while I s'pose, so what's your favourite blood group then? You must have been through the majority. eh?

Vamps: Well I suppose I might have tasted some &om each of your 'blood groups', but I'm not much of a sciencey vampire - I much prefer the arts, and anyway it doesn't work like that. Normally I go for sad old rich blokes because their blood's been around a while too - a kind of vintage perhaps, and of course being rich generally means lots of lovely cholesterol, a real treat for vampires like myself. I really don't understand this fitness shit with no cholesterol at all - it's a harsh blow.

Int: Being a Black Country lad when I go out for a meal I like to enjoy black pudding with plenty if garlic. Now I can see that black pud's sort of sound but why no garlic?

Vamps: Oh fuck me! You humans and garlic! Listen, it's all a pile of shite. Garlic can't touch me, a stake througlt the heart can't touch me, silver bullets can't toudt me, I AM FUCKING IMMORTAL! alright?

Int: Yeah alright. What are your opinions on the 'Hammer' classics, and more to the point how do you rate Christopher Lee as a 'Vampire'?

Vamps: Well, they were alright as light entertainment, but like I said, a lot of the myth stuff they used is just bollocks. And as for Christopher Lee he was okay - me and a couple of mates have often joked about making him a real vampire, and see how he likes it.

Int: The question on everyone's lips is where do you live, and how do you stop other people knowing you are a child of satan?

Vamps: Ha Ha Ha, where do I live ? I live in the night, I live everywhere. I rest wherever I choose, and I've chosen some pretty strange places, believe you-me. And with regard to people discovering my disposition, most people can't tell I'm anything but 'normal'. If somehow they could tell there isn't much they could do about it, is there? After all I am immortal, and who would believe vampires really existed in this day and age?

Int: You've probably killed a lot of people in your time, and so have I, but most people haven't and they more than likely wonder what it feels like, and has the novelty worn off?

Vamps: Fortmately for me there never was any novelty so it hasn't worn off yet. You see it's either do or (almost) die. And it feels great. It's like having sex with the six most beautiful women on the planet all at once. Right, I'm off to have a feast with some of my female friends.

The Hitler Interview

OK. It's a wet and foggy Thursday morning, and we're out on search for the Holy Grail, er no sorry wrong magazine... we are in fact searching out one of Mussolini`s old compadrés, yes you guessed it we're after that infamous seadog Adolf Hitler. We found him in a pom shop just round the corner from the bus station (the mayor told us he would be in there, honest), and this is what was said.

Interviewer: So Adolf, were you looking for anything in particular ?

Adolf Hitler: I was looking for some kind of pump to er.. unblock my drains. Anyway who the fuck are you ?

Int: Er well yes, I'm from a local rag called misbehave and my name's Alice. We just wanted to ask you a few questions, seeings as you are so popular at the moment an' all. You don't mind do you? You can spare the time surely ? So how are you getting on in your old age, lots of people thought you had chickened out and topped yourself?

A.H.: I'm personal advisor to Andy Carmichael of the NF at present but I'm thinking of quitting a) because he's a smarmy cunt & b) because he wants to cut off all trade from Austria and Germany, and that's a stupid wanky decision which is neither big nor clever (unlike murdering six million Jews -ED)

Int: So you're still in with the politics then ? And don't try to avoid my questions asshole, I said some people thought you'd shot yourself to avoid the inevitable Judgement Day, what happened - you're still looking rather young, you been using a lot of oil of ulay or have you been (god forbid -ED) reincarnated ?

A.H.: Weill was rather cumning you see, Me and Elvis hid out in a barn with 40 litres of liquid LSD, we then left there on a pulsating train hurtling towards the planet Sponge VII, but he annoyed me shitiess so I sill his neck... and now I'm here... in Wolve r-fucki ng -ham pton.

Int: So Addy, have you been to the cinema lately - the technology has come a long way since your day ?

A.H.: I saw the Lion King... Absolutely Brilliant... I nearly cried when John Travolta shot that bloke In the head. that bit touched me...

Int: Err right of course, Pulp Fiction was an exceptional film.. I can understand why you got It mixed up with the Lion King, but moving on what are your future ambitions ?

A.H.: I've just bought a small antique shop in Wombourne, and once I'vew got that off the ground, and got some capital behind me I want to head the National Socialist Party in Wolverhampton and bring back the Ayran Race and all that stuff... I also wanted to complete my collection of Royal Doulton toby jugs.

Int: How come you've still got that shit moustache ?

A.H.: Pardon?

Int: I said 'How come you've still got that lhit moustache ?'

A.H.: I happen to be very attatched to this moustache, it helps people recognise me, I mean where would Te/ly Savalas be with afU/I head of hair, It's sort of a trademark, anyway Alice how come you 've got that shlt goatle ?

Int: Right then: There's no good reason to keep that moustache, why the fuck would you want people to recognise you when they're likely to brain you?, Telly Savalas would probably be exactly where he is now nowhere, if you think its such a trademark why don't you register it and copyright it?, I've got a shit goatie because I've lost my razor and can't afford a new one, I'm asking the questions, and you're a fat bastard.

Chili peppers linked to vampire lab testing

A recent press release from Warner Bros. - the chilis present record label - implicated the band with biological laboratory testing on young vampires.
Members of the press were told how, in order to keep their integrity, the band had paid for a high-tech laboratory, out of their own personal fortunes, which was to test for six months on vampires aged between 10 and 15 for signs of what caused the vampires to drink human blood. The cause behind these gross acts of mutilation was apparently the band's then struggle to name the album bIoodsugarsexmagik. The title is, of course, related directly to the bIood sugars that vampires need much more of than humans and cause them to have epileptic-type fits nney have too much or too little. Before the continuous testing paid for by the chili peppers these Interesting facts about vampires were only speculation. The band have always been vampire worshipers and this has been obvious from the start from their lyrics, not so much in recent albums but stil certainly there are references to their cult in bloodsugarsexmaglk. The band felt that they didn't want to put their name to any speculation about vampires that might later turn out to be false, and so shaming them infront of their god, so to keep their self-respect they had the tests done and then relased the album with an appropriate name. Later on in the day of the Warner's press release Anthony Kiedis was cornered by some joumos In LA. Well It would have sounded silly If we'd caged the album 'highcolesteroIbloodandsomevitaminDsexmagic' wouldn't It?" he said by way of explanation.

Summer 2004 Heatwave

Disturbing news just in reveals that due to the heatwave (that is going to be called 'Summer 95'), the British Government is passing several new acts.
The first prevents people from letting out the heat from their own houses by opening windows. Major says "The temperature in the atmosphere is greatly increased with every opened window". The second act clearly states that people should not wear heavy shoes on days with an above average temperature. Portillo states "Heavy shoes stop the natural ventilation in the Earth, by compacting the soil. It could be a major step in con1rolling Global warning". Human rights protestors claim an attack on civil liberties, but then again - don't they always.

$1,000,000 LAWSUIT

After last issue's revelations on Jesus, his Christian lawyers are claiming it to be blasphemous, and untrue, and are naturally suing us for libel.
Spokesperson, Martin Day, for Jesus Enterprises has issued a press release saying, and I quote "Jesus has never knowingly taken any Drugs deemed illegal by the US and UK governments" and "He has certainly never visited an illegal rave". misbehave are defending themselves, and feel confident that they can survive this ordeal (without drugs) to bring you another issue in the near future.

INVASION COMING!

Millions of 2 foot aliens have recently been sighted in Milton Keynes, claiming to be none other than our beloved Prime Minister's father.
After inciting the locals to riot, the amy and RAF were called in and a rapid reaction force was assembled. After a week of monitoring the situation, they are ready to invite the aliens to discussions around a table. Misbehave has someone at the scene 10 report any further developments.

Green Day Fucked My Stereo

I bought a new stereo, one Saturday, as you do. And after taking it home, messing with my new knobs for a bit, I played the first Green Day album.
20 minutes later I set the clock to 15:26 - because, like, that was the time. 6 hours, some misbehave work and a bit of a session down the line and my brand spanking new sony stereo helpfully tells me that the time is ... 15:26. Did time stop for six hours? Or did Green Day FUCK my stereo ? Readers we leave you to decide.